Why I Don’t Want to Feel Happy

I’m unhappy when I’m happy

I know. That’s contradictory. That’s exactly why it sucks so much. It seems like with all the time that’s moulded over with anxiety, stress, dissociation, and unhappiness that I would savour the sweet taste of joy when it flowers.

That evening I got to spend time with a friend and laughed so hard I couldn’t catch a breath, or the cool summer day when I finally picked back up the book I’ve been “reading” for months, or the Friday night I played Mario Kart with my boyfriend to compete over who’s going to wash the dishes (I washed the dishes that night. I didn’t mind) … Those moments of pure delight when I’m lifted above everything hounding at me demanding my grief and anxiety.

But even in those moments, this slimy feeling finds a crack to ooze in and tell me “you don’t deserve this.” Viscous guilt that coats the bottom of my heart and feels like a sticky kitchen floor. A voice that’s not mine, one I hate hearing in the intimacy of my mind, tells me I don’t deserve to be happy, that I’m lying to myself, that I’m lying to the people who love me, that I have too much going on to enjoy moments like these. It’s busy clawing at me to validate and give homage to the times I’m unhappy that it rejects happiness’ arrival and convinces me it doesn’t have space to belong. Then I’m stuck fighting these thoughts and enjoying the moment, wanting to smother that voice while keeping a smile on my face.

But it always finds a way to whisper in my ear nonetheless.

I’m always surprised by the clarity of an aspect of my behavior being explained to me by my psychological and emotional history. My therapist does it so simply. She spoke to me about how having grown up in a turbulent environment where my safety and wellbeing were threatened, I have picked up habits and coping mechanisms that served to protect me. Now, as I grow in a different—safer and more supportive—environment, I no longer have the need for those strategies and yet my mind is still trying to protect me. Still trying to keep me from being happy just to keep me safe.

Happiness, guilt and it’s many reasons

The habits and emotional responses adapted to protecting oneself in an abusive situation are no longer of use in an environment where they’re happy but they simply don’t know how to adjust. This particular pattern can be seen in people who have experienced childhood trauma or an abusive partner, as they have needed to do or NOT do certain things to adapt to negative experiences from loved ones.

After some research, I discovered this is not a rare phenomenon. It is often referred to as happiness guilt and is manifested in a few different ways. As discussed, it is evident for people who have experienced trauma as it taints their self-view or worldview (Taibbi, 2019). You may view yourself as damaged or unworthy and the world as unsafe and nefarious. Therefore, you operate with your defenses up.

Another experience that can foster this feeling of guilt is a critical self-image (Taibbi, 2019). People holding standards they are not meeting — what the perfect body looks like, what success looks like, what popularity looks like, what beauty looks like — are chronically not enough. They aspire for some unrealistic ideals that will never truly satisfy them and so they constantly berate themselves out of happiness because they cannot settle for less than their “perfect.”

Lastly, a not-so-surprising feeling that spurs happiness guilt is guilt itself. Survivors’ guilt is suffered from “making it” when somebody else hasn’t - in a wide range of contexts but most commonly in death. When others have suffered and you got away you feel you don’t deserve to be happy, you are unhappy on their behalf. On the flip side of the coin is guilt over the suffering you personally have inflicted on others. Guilt over past mistakes and pain you believe you’ve brought into people’s lives causes you to feel you have to be unhappy to pay penance.

Happiness guilt can fester for a wide variety of reasons. It is a human response to a feeling the mind doesn’t believe it deserves or is too scared to gain.

Meta-emotions

In a study conducted by Natasha Bailen, a graduate student at Washington University, feelings like guilt over happiness were categorized as meta-emotions — secondary emotions you feel towards primary emotions. Emotions like feeling ashamed for being angry, or excited for being happy, or sad for being disappointed. There are different combinations consisting of positive/negative reactions to positive/negative emotions. The most commonly reported meta emotions were negative reactions to negative emotions followed by negative reactions to positive emotions. Happiness guilt falls into the last category; a negative meta-emotion to a positive primary one.

The study added a layer I had not considered to the interplay between relational trauma (childhood-related or partner-related) and happiness guilt. They theorized that “children whose parents react emotionally to their children’s emotions might grow up to react emotionally to their own emotions” (Bailen, 2019). This rings true in my personal experience and helped me gain insight into why I feel the way I feel.

Help with happiness

The study also offers an avenue for healing: mindfulness. Mindfulness encourages the acceptance of one’s negative emotions which allows a person the safe space in their mind to explore and grow clarity on their underlying issues. It’s hard healing from any trauma and learned emotional responses but allowing myself to sit with my feelings has been one of the first steps in actually being able to understand them and hopefully, one day, resolve them.

Resolving trauma isn’t a walk in the park. Just to be able to sit with your feelings is a feat in and of itself. It’s a dangerous terrain to travel alone. Seeking therapy assures you have the right support during this emotional process. It requires you to do the work of looking in and noticing what goes on in your inner world. Noticing your triggers, your inner dialogue, your negative chatter.

The most important thing to remember is that you’re doing your best, you’ve done your best, and you’ll do better once you know better. I heard somebody recently say “remind yourself that you are wholly and completely perfect in this exact moment.” Accept yourself truly for all that you are and allow yourself to feel everything, so you can let it go. So you can forgive yourself, forgive others, do better, and feel better. The type of better that comes with a sweet soft voice telling you: you deserve this.

References

Bailen, N. H., Wu, H., & Thompson, R. J. (2019). Meta-emotions in daily life: Associations with emotional awareness and depression. Emotion, 19(5), 776–787. https://doi.org/10.1037/emo0000488

Taibbi, R. (2019, January 6). When you feel you don't deserve to be happy. Psychology Today. Retrieved October 1, 2021, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/201901/when-you-feel-you-dont-deserve-be-happy.